My Rams Song

CSU Rams Football

Its the most wonderful time of the year
With Pete a throwing
and Nwoke a rolling over the Bears
Its the most wonderful time of the year
The Mtn got Boise
An Auto bid is a-coming by the end of the year
Its the hap happiest season of all

Elijah Blu will be picking
and Raymond truck sticking
while the Rams are just winning
Judge Joe Brown a blocking
and Twiggy just clapping
With another Law touch down

Its the most wonderful time of the year
We first be the lobos
now the greeley hobos
next week the buffs
Its the most wonderful time of the year

Then down go the Aggies
Kick San Jose in the saggies
Taking on boise state 5 - 0
Its the most wonderful time of the year!

Movie Night in Salt Lake

I am a happy little camper over here in Salt :Lake City. It is so nice, the mountains make me feel like I am in Denver West.

What should I do when I am here by myself? hmm lets go see a movie that Heather never will see. Now that doesn't really nail down any movie you say to me. Heather usually hits up the 10 AM Sunday cinema for her movies. So I head down to the local cinema, get my ticket and grab a nice seat.

So I now need to put myself in the mind of the lady sitting next to me in the theater.

Here is my background: I am not terribly atractive, definately let my gym membership lapse, my husband is wearing a backwards KC Royals hat, and I have a 3 year old daughter.

So what movie do I want to watch on a Saturday Evening at 7 PM? Hmmm how about Battle Los Angeles. I remember my French teacher taught me that Battle means 'beautiful' and Los Angeles means 'the Lakers' so 'beautiful Lakers' must be a tearjerker about Kobe raping some girl.

So I get the pleasure of her having to listen to her shush her 3 year old through the whole movie and tell her daughter how bad she was behaving. I really wanted to harness my inner Tyson and yell "YOU ARE THE WORST PARENT IN THE WORLD!!! GET OUT!!"

So needless to say I have found the world's worst parents, but the movie was pretty good. I would highly recomend it.

Shejuan

My conversation I had with Shawn earlier

me:  So if you are really gay, who are you gay with? Who are your types of guys?

 Shawn:  fiene of course

 me:  Really? That is the kind of guy you like? I would have pegged you as someone who is tough...

 Shawn:  ok brandon

 me:  What do you want to do to Brandon?

 Shawn:  everything

when i saw him throw that boot at the cabbie

i got so wet

 me:  Really...

I guess this explains quite a bit about you

Does this explain why Jess treats you like her bitch?

 Shawn:  yes

it does

 me:  So you admit that your wife just pushes you around?

Ever consider her using a strap on?

 Sent at 10:25 AM on Friday

 Shawn:  sometimes

 me:  Wow, this really firms up some suspicions I had about you

 Shawn:  glad we had this chat

 me:  Anything else you would like to go on the blog?

Anything about Parker?

 Shawn:  that's all

 

Poor Poor Shawn

My friend Shawn

So my friend Shawn is a great guy.

He is the kind of friend you want to have, he is funny, helpful, doesn't get hurt feelings about anything (and I mean anything), he will come over to your house at 9 in the evening to help you move a 300 lb tv down the stairs and claim he did all the work. Needless to say I am a lucky to have Shawn as my friend.

During softball I decided that Shawn was not a good enough spelling, so I changed it for him. He became Sean, Shon, Chean, Chawn, Shaun. Every time I changed his name he just got better. So we went a little crazier, Shajun, DeSean, LaShaun, CraShaun, Sejchuan, Shaunezy. What a good guy he just laughed about it and had a good time.

So the CSU Rams played UNLV last night, it was a big game. Shawn only comes to big games, he is a true fan. So ole Sejchuan shows up and sure enough we lose. Goddammit DeSean. Well what now, lets go drink our sorrows away, so Heavier, Shaun, Jess, Tyler, Jess, Mark, Gavin, Laura and I cruise down to old C's. Pissed me off because I took a short way and totally beat Gavin, but he dropped the girls off and still won. I hate Gavin.

We are now at Ole C's and drinking away the loss. Shaunezy is starting to get drunk. He does things he normally doesn't do, like talk back to his wife. We all know that Sean doesn't talk back to his wife. He starts carrying on and having a good time. Like a good friend I encourage Shaun to continue. Jess really likes me. Shaen is getting more and more drunk. Then it happens.

Ole Shajun decides that drinking your beer normal style is lame. By normal style I mean placing a frosty glass to you lips and pouring that cool refreshment down. So ole Seani says to himself, "Shejan, how can I be the coolest" in which Sain replies "I have an idea"

Next thing I know Shawn takes an entire 2 Below and tries to force feed his penis. Whole glass right on his pants. Classic Sean. Now Jess has to deal with her drunk husband who just literally got head from his beer. Poor Jess. So now Jess doesn't want to go out with her husband because he looks like I just played a prank on him with a warm glass of water at summer camp. Now the night is ruined.

Shean is a great great guy.

That is just funny

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41466543/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/?gt1=43001

Ok, so now you have read that story where do I even begin. First it said the guy was stabbed in the leg. Honestly who dies from getting stabbed in the leg. That is so weak. Second, how awesome is it that they now strap knives to chickens. I just never would expect that.

I can't wait for the next generation of animal fighting. They should definitely strap lasers to heads of pitbulls so they can enjoy a heated snack. How cool would it be if they attached razor blades to the tail of a jack russell and let it go in the mall.

All this speaks to in the American spirit spreading

Aaron Rodgers

I have to say I am quite the Aaron Rodgers fan. First look at his roots: Cal. Nuff said.

So little Aaron began under the late great Brett Favre. But this wasn't Shirley and Levine more like Cane and Able. Favre hated Aaron, so he decided he would play longer than he should and try to get as much fame as possible so little Aaron never had a shot. Poor guy. Favre lied to him at practices and told him to throw the wrong routes. Poor Aaron. Favre told Aaron to take pics of his weiner and send them to cheerleaders. That actually worked out better for Aaron than Favre.

So Aaron had to start off this way. Finally ole Favre was taken to the farm and Aaron got his shot. And what a shot! Aaron lept into the controls of the Packers like Maximus taking the reigns of his chariot as the guy in the wicked mask slammed his bow staff into the wheel, shattering it into 100 pieces, leaving the chariot with only 1 wheel, where Maximus had to pull really hard on his steed and lean left, all while aiming his lance in the direction of the number 2 gladiator who had slowly risen to the ranks by hard work mining the field of Milan.

So now ole Aaron is leading this Packers team, and he has it going on. I mean the dude is stacked, I am sure he has a hot wife, my wife thinks he is hot, he rocks a stache for charity, and now he needs 1 more thing to put him over the top....

THE BELT CELEBRATION

For all of you WWE fans, this is sick! Pretend you just watched Triple H rear naked choke slam Bruiser in the cage match and return to his feet and mimmick putting on the biggest damn gold belt you have ever seen. THIS IS WHAT RODGERS DOES! Yes! This celebration isn't just for TD's either my friend. I saw him do it to the cheerleader. THAT IS RAD! I bet she had to go the locker room for a clean uniform after that.

So in conclusion I can't wait for Aaron Rodgers to mop up the Steelers like Big Ben mopping up white trash rats to rape in Georgia. Go PACKERS and go Aaron

Why Marriage is great

I am so lucky, I am married. I found a great girl, did some shit that got her wet for me, sealed the deal and took her to the alter. YEY ME! Did the honeymoon shit, had some laughs got a dog, realized the dog was lame, got another dog. Other dog is a moron. So did I make the right decision?

Here is my life now:

AIIIGHKKE (My best Heather, or Shawn voice) how do I turn on the DVD player?
-- Turn it on, insert disk, press play
I DON'T GET IT!
-- What steps have you taken?
OH I figured it out

Questions I hear every day that I had the priveledge hearing from my mom every day of Junior High, I miss you Lesher
1. Pick up your clothes
2. Clean your sink
3. Did you feed the dogs (I do every goddamn morning, so you don't need to ask again)
4. That doesn't match
5. Do I match? (Ironic because of the question above huh)

Food
This is the exact fucking conversation I have every night

H: What do you feel like?
I: I don't care, you are the picky one, you choose
H: I don't know
I: How about breakfast for dinner
H: No, you always want that
I: Yes and you don't so I want it for a change
H: List something else
I: Moose - No; Chicken - No; hamburger - No; Llama - No; Tuna - No; Hunter - No
H: What about pork tenderloin
I: Anything works, I DON'T CARE
H: Want to go out?
I: Please just choose something
H: I like chocolate
I: NO, choose a real dinner
H: Why are you mean to me?

I am so lucky....

Why I hate Tim Tebow

So I have people who keep asking, why do you hate Tim Tebow. Here is why.

1. He thinks he is better than people. Yeah, I said it. I am so damn sick of this crap that he is religious so he is a good person. BULLSHIT. Religion teaches you how to judge other people, not be a good person. His senior year he was voted to the Playboy All American team and he asked his name be taken off of the list. WHO DOES THAT? Seriously, no male in this country should ever request that. He definitely thinks he is better than everyone else on that list or would want to be on the list.

2. He isn't a good QB. He sucks at passing occasionally he makes a good throw, well occasionally my wife watches a decent movie, doesn't make her fucking Siskel and Ebert.

3. Who cares that he is cute. Megan Fox is hot, but is a terrible actress and all of the girls get pissed about that.


4. He has such a good work ethic. Yeah most full backs that play QB need a good work ethic because they are terrible QBs.

5. Brandon Marshall is number 15 for the Broncos, I have an authentic jersey and now I have to hear the fucking kid at Sports Authority say "Cool Tebow jersey" Then I have to deal with the cops after I cold cock him and piss in his agape mouth.


6. He has guns, Payton Hillis - Nuff said

7. He went to Florida - I hate Florida, everything about it, old people, gators, muggy weather, and it smells. The only reason NASA is there is because they know that the aliens will nuke our take off point and thus destroy Florida, Kennedy was a genius.

8. Flat Tops are only cool is you are Kid n Play

9. Nice eye patches

10. If there is a God, he doesn't like Tebow, white kid from suburbia with good athleticism, God's not wasting any time there, he is dealing with Lepers in India. I agree with God, if there is one.

11. If you notice I end on 11, BVP is the greatest running QB the Broncos have ever had, NOT TIM TEBOW

Mangina

Is a mangina a good or a bad thing? Lets say hypothetically you win a competition to have the best mangina... what does that mean? Is it a compliment or notice that you have some work to do?

My neighbors have to think I am crazy. I built a rail to ski in the backyard. So I didn't want to get hurt so I put my helmet, my hockey elbow pads, and my carharts overalls on. The overalls were way too hot, so I then just wore a shirt under them. What would someone who doesn't ski even begin to think about that?

Conversation of my neighbors
Bob: "So he is out there dressed up like he is herding cattle, but he is wearing a helmet"
Jane : "Maybe he has a brain injury"
Bob: "Why would someone with a brain injury slide down a piece of railing for a fence?"
Jane: "Maybe he is hopped up on crack cocaine"
Bob: "I hate kids, they are so stupid and will ruin this country"
Jane: "I bet he used shrooms and thinks that the magical squirrels are trying to eat his brains, so he put a helmet on. Then he built a little mountain to get away from the squirrels and put that rail in front of it so that the little squirrel paws would get stuck to the pole. Then once he has trapped enough magical squirrels he slides down the pole and kills them"
Bob: "Sounds plausible to me"

I totally bet my neighbors think I am crazy

Thieving

So I think my sisters neighbors think I am a thief. All I wanted to do was find out how thick the ice on their lake is, so I got my drill, my flashlight, put on my black hoodie to stay warm. Carrie isn't home, so I had to go around the house to get to the lake. I can't believe that people are that suspicious of a guy with a light a drill and a hoodie walking around someone's house. I just wanted to know how thick the ice was.

My Dog

I don't understand my dog. He feels it necessary to piss on furniture at Tyler's house. He doesn't do it at my house, does he think that he is in unclaimed territory? Tyler has a dog. Does my dog think he is better than Tyler's dog? Max is smaller so maybe that is why. I can't help but feel my dog is just a dick. I mean I don't go over to Justin's house and just take his shit because I am bigger than him. Maybe this is just code that I don't get. Oh well, I just don't understand my dog.